after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
