I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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