i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
