I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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