Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
