her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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