I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
