I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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