I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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