Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
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I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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