why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
