we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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