margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
