i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
