I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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