TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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