Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
