Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I die, sorry about rent.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
