i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
