Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
