fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
