I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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