Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
