so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
