Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
