He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
