i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night