So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.