so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
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i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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Tornado booty call.. dedication
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things