I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me