I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
