I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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