I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
