did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
