so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
