i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
