I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
