better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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