I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I love you. Go after that dick
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
