After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
