My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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