My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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