There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
