if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
