Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
