You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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