I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
