you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
