Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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