Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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