you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
