fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
