He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
