Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
