I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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