Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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