Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
