How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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