Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I have demons in me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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