I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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