Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My cat gives me a boner
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
