my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
