I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
